“She Said what?”

Hearing loss & voice volume

Women gossip, men discuss.

I’m grinning as I type.

But it’s a good way of getting your attention and getting into the subject of this blog.

Gossiping, or discussing, can be a problem for those with impaired hearing. In Sue’s case she’s very fortunate as her friends at the stables make sure she’s included in conversations by speaking clearly and slowly so she can lip read. In group situations they’ll also make a natural break in the chat to bring Sue up to speed on the progress of the gossip. And, of course, I have to mention one of her friends who finger spells and always ensures Sue is included. So, all in all, Sue isn’t left out of the gossip ……… or to be more accurate, she isn’t isolated.

A problem can arise though with Sue’s vocal responses, or to again seek accuracy, the volume of her ‘confidential’ responses. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, but deaf people can sometimes speak louder than they intended and when that happens (not being inconsiderate when I say this) it will usually be when things are quietest and the words used are most inappropriate, thereby prompting the most head turning with “I can’t believe she said that!” or “what terrible language”, you know what I mean.

For a very long time I used to fret about letting Sue know when she spoke too loudly, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, make her feel uncomfortable or – far more damaging – cause her to be more withdrawn. But I also knew she would want to know when she needed to turn the volume down. I’m now the hearing one in this relationship and I see my responsibilities summed up, quite basically, as making sure that Sue is never (or at least a little as possible) disadvantaged because she can’t hear. A more positive interpretation would be that I must encourage her whenever possible.

And trust me, I’ve found that positive is the only way to tackle these new challenges, simply rewording what you intended to say for a better spin will help. And another thought which just flashed through my mind; be proud of your partner and say so. When Sue was taking her lipreading classes I often (not all the time as overuse defeats the objective) told her how proud I was of her. I honestly was then and still am of how she tackles life and I tell her.

Back to the subject of volume. After endless angst I decided I had to tell Sue about the excess volume and one evening I plunged right in. To my relief she was fine and told me it was better that she knew. We agreed I would let her know, discreetly, when she might want to lower the output and I now either slowly pinch my thumb and forefinger together or make a ‘shushing’ lip form. Just this morning I noticed that, quite understandably, her friends don’t want to hurt her feelings by letting her know when she could be a bit quieter and, in time, I’ll bring that up with Sue.